And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
