now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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