Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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