I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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