look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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