my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
