im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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