I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I need water and some morals
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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