see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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