I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
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I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
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I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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