the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Use "feeling words"
Yay
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
