my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
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He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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