Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
