If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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