do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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