I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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