i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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