a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What a dumb baby whore.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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