I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
