I think im going to throw up on grandma
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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