Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
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I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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