is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
