oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
