she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
