Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
