The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
