there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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