FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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