i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
