My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
