Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
