Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Damn victory sex feels great
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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