hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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