But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
