Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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