My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
