there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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