Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
