Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
