I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
