I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
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just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
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By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says