can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just found a bag of teeth...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
