I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
