VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
