Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
