you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
