So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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