At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
