sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
