i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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