There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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