halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We are two peas in an std pod
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
