you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
