is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
