i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
